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That Week's Directions were ! | Report 1460 | Report 1459 | Report 1458 | Report 1457 | Report 1456 | Report 1455 | Report 1454 | Report 1453 | Report 1452 | Report 1451 | Report 1450 | Report 1449 | Report 1448 | Report 1447 | Report 1446 | Report 1445 | Report 1444 | Report 1443 | Report 1442 and Link to earlier Reports
Report 1446
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Nothing but foreigners! Apart from the Dormouse - the boy done good - almost all the principal players came from overseas. The trail was set by a South African; and much of the solving was done by a taller younger South African and two Scandinavians, who brought Bonny along to lame other hashers with logs in her jaws, used to trip up and terrify the unwary.
The trail was ambitious. We ran a right hander which took us over the road and east, into territory we scarcely know. Now, this ignorance extended to the hare; there is a good reason for not hashing there, and namely that the Wootton estate denies access to the public, who include - bizarre as this may seem - you and me of the Surrey Hash. Blithely indifferent to such niceties, Kaffir laid his trail through the most private parts of the same estate; but the noble owner has minions, wardens, rangers, gamekeepers, to halt the hash. Oh what a wigging they did receive! It went on so long that even elderly front runners were able to rejoin their youngers and betters - with, I am pleased to report, the Pied Piper getting most of the stick, since he is among the most culpable at ignoring territorial rights. (My source of information is his wife ) Happily this happened so late in the trail that we were almost in anyway, so we just ran on in. But it was galling to find our Uncle Gerry, who had been short-cutting without shame, finishing on flour (he had avoided the mass trespass and found the trail by chance). And no, I cannot explain how Dissa came to be with him: what strange bedfellows!
There now follows a party political digression. In the good old days, when men were men and women were double-breasted, the sign "Trespassers will be prosecuted" was completely meaningless. No prosecution could ever be brought for trespass, which was a civil offence.
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But a previous government, miffed by public sympathy for protesters, decided to make life difficult for them by creating a new offence of mass tresspass. Quite absurdly, the hash is regarded as part of the masses - only we know how untypical we are - and so we could in theory be brought before the beak for our forays into private property. All we can hope is that that well known old lag the GM would be the only one to end up behind bars....
And speaking of the GM, where was he? Again?!! To be sure, the Onsex will always rise to the occasion (no brewer's droop in this secretariat) but this is not what members - once you get started on doubles ententes there is no end - what members pay their subs for. No, no, the eloquence of the Shagger is a sine qua non of a Sunday morning; today, as so often, all we had was the sine and the non, with never a qua in sight.....
Well, we had Claudia, a virgin neighbour of Scuds (perhaps that last remark could have been better phrased; but you know what I mean...) and a frequent (? Uncle Gerry said frequent) returnee, before Tequil'over stood in as RA. At this stage the rain, which had held off most helpfully, began again in earnest, and to tell the truth I have forgotten the names of the culprits. They included Ear Trumpet however, for short cutting (on the testimony of the ever-youthful Rosie Bramble); now, what makes this detail piquant is ET's emphatic assertion on arrival that he had done the whole trail (vexed by last week's disclosure that he does not always do so). Hmmm. The only other detail to remain in my befuddled mind is Bumble's blowing kisses at TO while the sinners were named. Why? you ask in shock and horror. Answers, in sealed envelopes please, to be sent to the Onsex in private.
And so we say goodbye to sunless 2002. Happy New Year to all our readers! FRB
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